Avoid Marriage Pitfalls; Have That Discussion During Courtship

Yesterday evening, I was listening to the radio and a program on family planning was being discussed. Actually, a woman was seeking for a counseling on what to do.

She and her husband already had 3 children. Because they are not financially buoyant enough to care for more children, he told the man that they should do family planning but he refused.

The man forbade her from having such a discussion with him and anytime she tries to bring up the matter, the man won't permit such conversation. 

He said that family planning is against his belief, that doing family planning is like committing abortion, that children are gift from God and that they shouldn't be stopped from coming.

[Oga, you better be calming down if you don't want to be the next father of many nations or bringing children you don't have the means to care for into the world to suffer] 

This disagreement is beginning to cause some problems in the marriage and that was why she was seeking counseling to know what to do.

From her story, I deduced 2 things...

✅ They didn't discuss the number of children to have before getting married. 

✅ They didn't also discuss about family planning and this is now causing issue.

You see, when I hear stories like this I used to wonder what people are actually discussing while in courtship. Some people waste their time discussing sweet nonsense that impacts no value to the marriage.

Listen, courtship period is not a time to joke if you don't want to be choked in marriage. It's a time to have meaningful conversations, it's a time to ask real questions and get real answers, it's a time to settle matters, seal deals and a time to investigate issues.

For many, pizza, shawarma, s** etc., will not allow them to see road and they usually face the music in marriage. Whatever you fail to discuss in courtship, will stare at you eyeballs to eyeballs in marriage and by then, it may be too late.

While in courtship, they're some important discussions to have and that's what I want us to look into. What are these discussions to have?

✅ Discuss about children. How many do you want to have? When do you want to want to start having kids? How do you want to space them? How do you discipline them? 

✅ Discuss about family planning. Do you want to have family planning? What method do you adopt? 

✅ Discuss about s**. What type do engage in? How frequent do you want it? I recently wrote about this. Check my wall. 

✅ Discuss about where to worship. This applies to those who are from different churches, denominations and those that want to change their church. 

✅ Discuss about where to live. Where do you live after marriage? Which state? Which country? Are you relocating? What kind of apartment do you want to live in, 1 room, 2 rooms, 3 bedrooms? 

✅ Discuss about money. Is your money your money or your money is our money? How do we pay bills? Are we going to have joint accounts, different accounts? How do you minister to your parents? 

✅ Discuss about in-laws. Will any of them come to live with you? Will they visit you at all? 

✅ Discuss about third party. In times of conflict, who do we go to? Who should we tell issues about our marriage? 

✅ Discuss about work. Will the wife work or stay at home? Will she do business or just stay at home? Will the husband accept any work that's outside the state or country? 

✅ Discuss about househelp. Are you going to have a maid? Which gender do you employ? What boundaries do you establish for her or him?

✅ Discuss about pets. Are you going to have any pets? What type of pet do you want to have, cat, dog, pig, goat, rabbit etc?

✅ Discuss about your vision, dreams, goals, and aspirations. What do you want to achieve? What are you pursuing and aiming at? What do you want to do with your life? This will help you both to be on the same page and pedestal.

✅ Discuss about home management. How do you handle chores? Who does what and what? Or is it only the work of the wife? 

 ✅ Discuss about your past life. Courtship period is the time to discuss your past life and experiences. There is no point to hide anything because sooner or later the truth shall be revealed. What are the things you need to discuss about your past life and experiences? Those things that are going to affect the marriage eventually. 

✅ Discuss about parenting. Children need to be trained, they need guidance, discipline, mentoring, coaching and discipling to become responsible adults. So the both of you should discuss upfront how you want to train, discipline, and correct your children so you will be working with one mind.  

✅ Discuss about conflict management. You will have conflicts as a couple, no doubt. So discuss upfront how you both will manage and resolve your conflicts. Beating your wife or talking down on your husband during conflicts is a very childish way to handle conflicts. Sit down and discuss like adults!

✅ Discuss about the values to uphold as a family, the values to pass on to your children. Teach your family to obey God's Word, to do justice and what is right. Teach them respect, faithfulness, honesty, love, truthfulness, hardworking, teamwork and so on. 

✅ Discuss about leadership. Every institution has one form of leadership to another, marriage inclusive. Who makes the final decision? How do you make decisions? 

✅ Discuss about health challenges. Health challenges are really causing a lot of constraints in many marriages today. When you have a partner with health challenges you may not enjoy your marriage. If you have any health challenges, if you don't have a womb, if you are impotent, if you have any terminal illness, discuss it with your intending partner. It is better they know before you marry than you keeping quiet and they find out in marriage. You just signed up for trouble from the beginning.

✅ Discuss about views on issues of life. Things are happening in our society these days that it becomes necessary to know the views, opinions or perspective of the person you want to marry. Know their views on Money, Gender, Submission, Rape, Domestic Chores.

✅ Discuss about vision for your marriage. Marriage is like a building project, you will need a blueprint if the building project will be successful. You have to design the kind of marriage you want, you have to paint a picture of your marriage. Having a vision for your marriage is important because it gives you focus, direction and a template to navigate your marital journey successfully.

These are just some of the things you need to discuss in courtship. Having this discussion is essentially important because it will give you the template to work with when you eventually marry.

Many people are having a hard time in their marriages, just like the couple above, because they failed to discuss some of these important things. You will be saving yourself from a lot of unpleasant experiences in marriage when you discuss them and come to an agreement.

How To Have These Discussions 

✅ Make it fun. 

Don't make it look like you are in an interview session or being interrogated for a crime. No be work we come find nor do we commit any crime. My people say that, it is during jokes that truths are being told. So make it fun and yet firm. 

✅ Don't ask the whole question at once 

Don't bombard the person with all these questions at once. From time to time, during your discussions, play or conversations chip in one or two things and discuss it. 

In conclusion, don't joke with your courtship period if you don't want to be choked in marriage. Make sure you have these discussions. Seal deals and settle matters.

However, you need to make room for adjustments and flexibility because as situations arise in marriage, you may need to adjust to something else other than what you have discussed and agreed upon before.

Marriage is about adopting some things, adapting to some things and making compromises. It requires sacrifice sometimes. So, have that in mind.

Do you find this helpful or what do you think about what has been said here? Please, let me know what you think...

Thanks for reading

Author:  Samuel Okolie